Nov 5, 2017
"I'm feeling so overwhelmed with emotion and thoughts right now. I don't always know how to sort them out, but writing always helps. I just finished binge watching the last season of the Vampire Diaries. Gosh I love that show. Anyways, it got me thinking about life and death. Of course it ended tragically beautiful like any good show does, but it also ended with everyone finding peace. And this is my dilemma, the one that I think about sometimes. Is Heaven and being with our loved one's forever something humans have created to survive losing people and a fear of dying? Or is it real? Will I ever see my Mom again or will I just be dead. Blank. Blackness? The problem is there is no way to know for sure. We can believe something strong enough that we think we "know", but we don't know for sure. Whenever I start to get overwhelmed by these thoughts I always come back to this realization- it just doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is the here and now. What I do with my life everyday. That is what I can control. Deciding what I want out of this life and going for it. Putting everything I have into what I do know. I think that is how I'll find my peace. By being able to look back on my life and think "wow. I really lived. I loved, I hurt, I grew, I had fun and adventure, and got to experience so much." That's how I'll find peace no matter what happens after I die. At the end of the episode Elena is writing in her journal. Here is what she says:
"Dear Diary. Today will be different. Today I will smile. It will be genuine because today is the day I get to live again. This life will be good and beautiful, but not without heartbreak. In death, there is peace. Pain is the cost of living. Like love, its how we know we're alive. That's life, weird, messy, complicated, sad, wonderful, amazing, and above all, epic. I'm going to live it as best as I can, for as long as I can. Peace exists. It lives in everything we hold dear."
And so that is how I will find peace, forever and always in the things that I hold dear. The beauty and energy of the Earth, the smiles of my children, the love and comfort I get from Ryan, the connections I have with family and friends, and especially the value and joy I find in myself. My body, heart, and mind drive me, and I'm grateful each and every day I get to use them to make the most out of this messy and sometimes painful, but amazing and beautiful life.
So to you, my children, family, and friends, find peace in the things you hold dear. Live your life to the fullest everyday. Be your genuine self because you are awesome. You control today, the here and now, make it yours and make it good. And if you make mistakes, which you will, you always have tomorrow to make it right again. Find joy in your journey, and above all, make it epic!"
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| My after a good cry selfie. Doesn't it always feel so good to get it all out |
Here are a few things that are making me happy at the moment.
A garage we can finally park in.
We seriously have the most beautiful skies
Hayley cuddles.
Kelly, you may not "know" but I want to tell you that I do know that you will see your mom again. I can't imagine how difficult this has been and is for you, and if you can't believe right now that's ok. But I know that our loved ones who have passed on watch over us and help us every day. Your mom saw your tears that day and probably even cried with you. She still loves you and cares about your happiness.
ReplyDeleteOh Kelli, I get how you feel. And when those grief waves come, you just have to try to embrace the moment and ride that wave. Today while at walmart I saw the sweetest little baby boy sweater and grabbed it and stared at it long and hard with tear filled eyes. I wish I could buy it for Gunnar for his first Christmas, but he's not here. I ache for him. And I also know what you mean about not 'knowing' what exactly heaven looks like or if it's really there. I wonder too. Death changes everything about a person and questions you never thought you'd have come up and they are often questions that don't have answers. But this is the one thing that I do know, and that is that I honestly do feel Gunnar...I feel him near me more often than I expected I would. Do I know exactly what that means? No. But it does bring me peace, and that's what I am striving for. And it sounds like that's what you striving for too.
ReplyDeleteI am proud of you and that you are finding your way. Isn't that what we are all doing? You are an amazing example and I am grateful to be able to read your posts and get a glimpse of 'life' through your eyes. Thanks Kelli!